Alright, I’m starting to get sick of this shit. No, not my painful life that seems to punish me more and more every day with sicknesses and physical ailments, cause that sucks too. I mean, my heart hurts one day and then the next day it stops hurting but then I have a searing pain in my back, a dull pain as they say, the next day. And the next day the dull pain is gone but replaced with a sensitivity to every touch that sends shockwaves down my spine. Pain in my heart, to compliment the occasional emotional pain that makes the ventricals pretty crowded. But maybe the physical pain is something i should look into. Ahhh, goddammit my heart hurts. What the fuck is wrong with me?
No, what I’m annoyed about now is this stream of coincidences that just keep showing up all throughout my day. Its half scary and half obnoxious cause I can’t figure out what the real issue is and why this shit keeps happening. And is it all connected? I can be fairly certain that there is some sort of modernist Yeatsian ‘animus mundi,’ or collective unconsciousness, that lends itself to basically anyone listening. A bunch of the 20th century’s biggest thinkers and artists believed in some sort of shared set of values, experiences, and cultural references that amount to the sum total of human experiences. This collectiveness is supposedly just floating around out there and open for the taking. Theoretically, anyone can tap into this wealth of information whenever necessary and that principle sits fine with me. I mean, the brain is a complex organ and we know so little about it that it makes perfect sense to think the unused 90% of our domes is somehow related to the famous animus mundi.
What bugs me and what I’m setting out to figure out, is how my daily coincidences fit into this or if they do at all. I’ve believed all my life that I could be special in some way and have tried everything from drugs and art to enterprise and history lessons to figure out what it was that would set me apart from my peers. I still don’t know what it is and lately I’ve been leaning towards the belief that I’m just an egotistical lunatic with an addictive and confrontational personality. But I still can’t wrap my drug-addled mind around the little coinces that make me feel closer to the collective unconsciousness. Its like a vague sense of deja-vu that clouds my moments in varying degrees. While I have a tough time remembering them after they happen, they happen a lot. The one that just happened that prompted me to do some verbal analyzing was a somewhat minor one but nevertheless, undeniably creepy on a 'what the fuck?' kind of level. And guess what? 15 minutes later it escapes me. Hold on…I know it had something to do with what was on tv but I was flipping channels a lot so I’m having a tough time tracking it down. Usually, the instances center around cultural references that are floating around my head and then I see them on tv or hear them in a song. Like if I’m listening to tom vek and I sign on the internet, some reference to him will pop up beyond my control. Like I’ll go on myspace and view a friend’s profile and tom vek is on his top 8. Shit like that but usually it is lot weirder and sometimes a lot more metaphorical, like its indicative of a larger equation. Yeah, thats not a really good example at all. That's not usualy how they are, but anyway. That’s what makes me think something is up that I can’t quite put my finger on.
Another common case deals with me learning something new in the morning and then going home and being met with a situation that I would otherwise have no idea about if it weren’t for my 8 hour old knowledge. Oh, ok, here is one that happened the other day: I was at work and accidentally stumbled on some web site where I learned about a forgotten world war 2 battle. Then later that evening, guess what question was on jeopardy? Fucked up right?
Crazier shit happens all day every day and it is getting worse and worse the older I get. Or maybe its getting better and better. The point is, I cant make sense of it all and that is what bothers me. I’m the type of guy who likes to know what’s up and likes to be the master of his own destiny. I want to be able to state within a reasonable frame, what exactly is going on with my relationship to the world.
A basic example deals with numbers: like I’ll get a phone call from somebody whose number begins with 86 and then ill look up at the tv and somehow, I’ll be on channel 86. Or i'll be driving along and flip to track 8 right as I pass address 8 or something like that. While the number instances aren’t usually the most impressive, I still think they mean something. I’m sure these happen to everybody but I can’t see how they could be occurring in eeverybody’s life as frequently as they are in mine. If they were, there would certainly be a much large body of scientific inquiry about this topic.
Or I’ll be talking to someone about swimming pools while listening to music and then all of a sudden, the singer will drop a line about swimming pools. Or ill be thinking about a vacation in the carribean right before I simultaneously hear a commercial for it and drive past a billboard for it. And that shit happens to me all the fucking time. Seriously.
Its just getting old. I mean, I welcome it cause I know it has to be indicative of some sort of larger interconnectiveness, but at the same time it creeps me out and annoys me cause I can’t make sense of it. Was I thinking about the carribbean vacation because of some subliminal reminder that the radio station sends out right before the commercial to get the ball rolling and heads thinking? Am I hip to something? Am I special or is the media fucking with me? So now I’ve decided that I gotta start keeping track of all this shit. My hope is that if I have a list with all the randoms on it, then maybe i'll find it to be not so random. Hopefully, I’ll remember to keep all this shit going and if I have like a blog or something, maybe others can help me deduce some set of underlying principles surrounding my connection to the mundi. Ghosts in the machine? Is that what they were talking about? Coincidence? I think not. And I’m out of clichés.
No comments:
Post a Comment